Chapter Text
Loona was in a very odd mood today … that mood being a bit of a roll reversal that the so called ‘M and M couple’ were going through as well. The bitch was quietly sharpening an knife and lamenting it wasn’t blessed, muttering things that she would do to Alastor, Satina, and Missi Zillow. The Fatty was frantic, looking over a board of ways to keep Iruma ‘tortured enough’ that Alastor wouldn’t add his own spin on things.
As for her … she scratched the bandaged up boy’s head. “Just quiet down and rest up …” When you were injured, rest and food were always top priority.
“Are you sure this is alright?” The kid asked as she scratched.
“Trust me, you need this more than me.” Loona would stab bitches for insinuating less, but not every bitch got their soul sold three times over. “Seriously. Two overlords and a child of a Sin. At this point you’ll have a leash for every corner of hell.”
“The moment they pull my neck I really will die from how tight the collar clutches.” He muttered. “Then it’ll be worse because then they won’t worry about suffocation.”
“Oh don’t worry sweetie… cause they’ll choke on their own blood before they can even think about doing so.” Millie growled as she sharped her knife with enough friction to create sparks.
“Unless we get our hands on Carmine crafted weaponry and feel prepare to deal with a massive power vacuum in hell/more targets on our back, killing the overlords is out of the questions for the moment.” Moxxie spoke.
Iruma blinked rapidly at that one. “... You mean brutally beat them up right?”
“No, they mean kill.” Loona nodded.
“... But Overlords are still sinners from what you said … that is what you said right?” The hellhound nodded. “So they’re immortal and unable to die.”
“Yea… unless they’re stabbed, sliced, diced, minced, and maimed by holy weapons.” Moxxie nodded. “Have we gone over the concept of extermination yet with you?”
“No, not really.” The kid shook his head.
“Well, you see-” The door slammed open, knocking the fatty into a wall.
“Is this IMP? I need to speak to someone about murdering my husband …” A coyote woman cried. “He left me …”
“Third door on the left.” Loona vaguely gestured, turning back down to the kid. “The scratches alright?”
“Yeah… it’s very soothing actually… you have very soft hands…” The kid leaned into it with a satisfied grin. “It almost reminds me of the head rubs my parents use to give me … except I was in box when they did it … that was being shipped to Abu dhabi to work the coal mines.”
“Were they trying to raise a child or a pet?” Millie growled.
“I don’t think they knew the difference.” Seen as a pet from birth … one that people wouldn’t treat particularly well either … how the f*ck did this kid end up such a nice guy? She definitely wouldn’t have ended up the same way, even if Blitz adopted her early.
“You know… if you want… we can just… hang out again while the idiots are up top.” Loona suggested.
“Thanks, I’d appreciate it … but with how much more brutal Alastor’s been lately, I really don’t want to risk that he tries to hurt you, since he doesn’t like dogs for some reason.” He said. “Besides, maybe I can spend some time on the sidelines on this earth trip … my legs are gonna get a limp if they’re broken again.”
Loona’s eyes widened as she felt a strangeness in her chest. It may have been just due to her lack of friends, but the idea that he was thinking about her like that…. Felt very warm and comforting. “Uggghh…” The fatty groaned, immediately killing the mode that was building up inside her. “Why am I always so close to the door?”
“Because you have terrible eyesight?” She questioned.
“Hey, I’ll have you-” The door was slammed into him again, this time by Blitz, proving her point.
“Alright fam, it’s go time! We got a classic tale of lovers' separation, and we’re reuniting two lovebirds back for an eternity in hell!”
“If it’s cannibals can I wait on the side?” Iruma asked. “I don’t want to build up a pattern, and I have to get some manga for Missi anyway.”
“Oh don’t be a murdering prude, it’s just a completely normal killing in a completely normal town… right?” Blitz asked.
“Yes. My Glenn was always a bit of a ladies man, but he put that aside for my sake… at least I thought he did.” The bitch cried. “I thought he died and I did everything I could to bring him back to me… and I ended up here trying to do so.”
“How do you know he ain’t up in heaven?” Millie questioned.
“Oh, no, no, no, no no no.” The woman sighed shadely. “He faked his death. I hindsight, I probably should’ve seen it coming, but I was so dedicated to the man… anyways, his friends were helping him fake his death all week before I died, and even if he did die… he wouldn’t be going to heaven. Before he married me… lets just say he was on a lot of lists, the kind that ban you from schools.”
Instinctively… and oddly, she scooted Iruma aside away from the woman’s direction. “.... And you CHOSE to marry a prick like that?”
“In my defense, I thought of it more as he’ll have no choice but to be dedicated to me and my entire life.”
“We all make mistakes, my paying customer.” Blitz patted the woman’s back. “And don’t worry, we’ll kill any illegitimate children he had and send them down here with him, either for you to raise or hurt at your discretion.”
“....Have we NOT learned our lesson on killing kids?” Iruma asked with a glare.
“Whataya talking about, killing kids has always been the easier part of our job.” Blitz grinned. “Even Mox learned that once he managed to bomb an entire house of them.” He glanced around. “Where is the f*cker anyway?”
“Here …” The impotent man groaned from the wall.
“Mox, you lazy f*cker, get your dick off the wall and prepare to kill a man that probably has a bigger dick than you.”
“So everyone else that ever exists?” Loona snickered.
“Is the size of someone’s genitals really that important?” The kid asked. “Wouldn’t muscles or brains be more vital?”
“Once you have sex, you’ll under-“ Blitz was interrupted by a choke out from the bitch.
“That child will NEVER be corrupted!” Mille growled as she banged Blitz’s head into a wall.
“... You seem like a real happy family.” The woman smiled.
“...I am the last person who can judge that sort of thing, do we take that as a compliment or an insult?” Iruma asked Loona.
“Definitely the latter.” Loona groaned as she rubbed the kid’s head. “Just make sure to not die.”
“That’s what I make sure of every time.” The kid smiled. “Thanks Loona… I’m… I’m glad I have friends like you around.”
There was that warm feeling in her chest again… damn it, don’t tell her see was going soft. “Yeah, you’d be screwed otherwise.” She played it off with a smirk.
“Oh for sure.” The kid nodded. “Waay too many situations in hell make me need outside assistance. I mean, if it wasn’t for you, that V lady at the mall would’ve choked me to death with her bad clothes.”
“Pfft, yeah, well, that’s just how I am.” She pulled him in close and licked his head…. And paused after what she did. “....”
“Instinct?” The kid asked, luckily, obliviously.
“...Yes… you just… smelled… like meat for a second..” Loona chuckled with a slight blush.
“Ah… could’ve sworn I bathed the smell of blood off me.”
“Actually, cannine’s licking someone on the head is a sign of affecti-” Fatso tried to pipe in.
“Did anyone ask for your dumb opinion fatty!?” Loona respond by grabbing the limp dick by the tail and throwing him through the door. Seriously, she needed to get her head on straight.
========================================================================
Moxxie rubbed his head as he leapt out of the portal. At this rate, he was going to get a concussion. “Alright M and M, reports said the f*cker was gonna be around here.” He gestured to the school. One Adam West high. Strange that they’d name it after an actor, even a recently deceased one.
“… Are we killing a father or a teacher?” Mox questioned.
“Either way we can get Iruma to act like an exchange student. No one questions that sh*t.” Blitz stated.
“Really, you want me to go to school?” Iruma asked.
“Eh, your body’s too f*cked up to carry the equipment, and you gotta contribute somehow if you want pay.” Times like this had Moxxie question if this was Blitz’s way of being nice or exploiting child labor.
“Oh… well, it’s been a while since I’ve been to school… might be nice to pretend to be a normal kid again.” The kid smiled a bit fondly.
“Just give us a signal if you find the target.” Blitz handed him a picture of a man with a large chin and a red hawaiian shirt. “Name’s Glen Quagmire.”
“Isn’t a quagmire just another word for a hazardous situation?” Iruma asked with slight concern.
“Like I said, f*cked up family. Don’t screw it up this time Mox.” Blitz glared.
“I’ll kill the target as ordered, but refrain from anyone else.” Moxxine groaned. He hated that his one mistakes was still being brought up after so long.”
“Good luck tot… going to school…. Growing up… WAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Millie cried as she hugged Iruma. “You’re growing up too fast! Why can’t you stay home with your mama!?!”
“Millie, its just pretend, I’m going to be back in the office with you guys by the time this ends..” Iruma chuckled nervously as he tried to pull himself away. “Also I’ve been to school before … usually so my parents can justify having me to social services, but I have gone to school before.”
“But now you’re doing it to help with a job, I can’t handle it!” Millie cried more. “Give it one more year, two, five! Or just stay home, we’ll figure out how to f*ck over that Radio demon somehow-!”
“Mills, now’s not the time to have unhealthy expectations of the future, now’s the time to get your tit* on straight before I knock sense into you like I do you smooth brained husband!” Blitz growled as he pried Millie off. “Better go kid before she straps you into a baby carrier and breaks the zipper.”
“On it!” The child ran off into the school.
“Okay now, we find the bastard, f*ck him up, then eat cake while discussing a three way.”
“Sir, why must you insist on barging into our marital affairs?” Moxxie groaned.
“Cause clearly you need to spice it up with Millie caring more about the kid than she does you.”
“We both care about the tot, blitz.” Millie counted. “And you already have big bootied birdie boyfriend to stuff your dick into whenever you want.”
“Trust me when I say there’s nothing passionate about that.” He grumbled.
Mox blinked. “You know, for all you pry into our sex lives, you never brag about your own. We never even knew about Robo Fizz or Verosika Mayday until they came to us.”
“So?”
“So pardon us sir when we get uncomfortable with you trying to pry your way into our personal lives when you yourself are the most closed off and walled up person we know.” Moxxie pointed with accusation. “Sure, you talk big about how proud you are with your masculinity and sexual attributes, but any relationship or sexual encounters of any kind relating to yourself you’ve kept a zipped lip on.”
“... You’re the snipper, just keep an eye on the brat.” Blitz grumbled as he walked off. “I’ll use the coms and try to find the target through the vents.”
“Wow, you actually got him to back off.. that’s some backbone you got there Mox..” Millie grinned as she bit on his ear. “Makes me want to do unspeakable things to you.”
He shivered in delight. “Maybe we can find a room while the mission’s going on. I know we haven’t done it in a while, a moment on earth to help … relieve us.” The imp smirked as he pulled out his snipper. “Bathrooms, bathrooms … ah, there we go.” He found a door. “Lets wait for-”
The door opened, as a young girl walked out of it, covered in hickeys. A little young, but she seemed to quite enjoy the attention from … from … the target walked out … the adult target, smirking to himself as he tossed a broken condom into the trash. “Mox?” His wife asked. “You alrigh-”
He pressed a hand to his ear. “Blitz, I found the target. I’m lining up the shot.”
“Do you means it or is this you pretending to have balls?”
“He had sex with a minor. If I miss, I’m going to make sure he’ll suffer even worse.”
“Wow, that’s quite the backbone you have… makes me want to do unspeakable-“
Why did everyone find him standing up hot? Moxxie could have sworn it was the gentle part that attracted Mill-not important. Shoot the target so he didn’t do anymore damage, THEN contemplate your life choices. Deep breaths, center yourself, no shaking.
Three centimeters from the right shoulder, clipping the lung and letting it fill with blood. The bastard would choke on air, unable to verbalize what he needed while drowning, far too late for anyone to realize the problem, but enough time for him to suffer. “One express ticket to hell ready to go in three… two.. one..”
“Um, guys?” Iruma interrupted. “I see something really weird heading over to that building where you all were hiding out.”
“Is someone starting a school shooting? Cause if they are, just continue on with your part kid.” Blitz responded. “Cop’s will gun them down sooner or later.”
“No, it’s a school bus and … this really big guy is fighting someone in a chicken costume … or is that a chicken … did a demon jump out of hell?”
“No chance, Loona keeps a tight grip on it at all times-huh, it is a giant chick-” Blitz’s line cut off.
Kaboooish
As a wave of fire and carnage washed over the school with the collapsing boss smashing through it. “Oh my god, all those children…” Moxxie gasped in horror at the clear dead and bleeding bodies all over the place. “Maybe an ambulance can come and-“
“I think it is!” Millie shouted, pointing to … an ambulance being crashed into by a school bus with … a fat man and a giant chicken-COMING RIGHT FOR THEM! Millie grabbed onto him and jumped-
BOOM
And the fire washed over them more. It didn’t hurt them, given it was normal earth fire, but the force of it was enough to send them both flying in the air. What the hell was going on!?
========================================================================
Iruma ducked as a flaming wheel flew overhead. “Oh come on! We didn’t even get five minutes before everything started killing us!” He was even excited to talk to some humans again, and have conversations that DIDN’T revolve around terrors, flames, and murder. Although that was getting off on a weird foot. Apparently everyone assumed he was some kind of supper genius and immediately pushed him into a crowd of, as they were saying ‘smart Asian students’… which Iruma had no idea how to take. Then the crowd he was pushed into started talking about ‘honoring their family legacy’, which Iruma also had no idea how to take. He didn’t remember America being so … stereotypical.
He tried asking around, but all the American kids kept acting like he was speaking japanese still and talked to him in loud and slow tones like he was a little child. Even Millie wasn’t this pandering to him. Not to mention that everyone seemed to make those weird sounds that he heard people and demons make when there were socks on the door. Even the classrooms had that going on for some reason.
And now a man and a demon were causing untold levels of death and destruction … “It’s sad.” Iruma noted in a dead tone. “THAT’S the most comprehensible thing that’s happened to me since I got to this town.” He was way too used to blood and fire for comfort.
Looking around, the mayhem looked like it was only going to get more out of control, and for once, it wouldn’t be an after effect of IMP going off the rails. “Just going to call one one nine … no wait, this is america. Nine one one, get the fire department, then walk away. He went up to a phone booth … and all of his money was only good in hell … of course. “… Wait, what town still has a phone booth?”
“The kind that likes to make quick visual gags and references.” Iruma turned around to see some guy in a blue spandex and an S symbol on his chest.
“Wait, aren’t you just a comic book character?”
“I don’t know. Aren’t you just a cheap fanfic insert?”
“Pardon?”
“Wow, someone has a sturdy fourth wall.” The possible hallucination from all the fumes shouted to the back, where a giant coyote was reading some kind of script. “We’re gonna need all you loony guys to tear this one down.”
“… I’m just going to go.. anywhere else.” Iruma turned his head and did his best not to look back. “Two minutes in this town and it’s almost as crazy as hell.” Okay, if that guy was an actual hero, everyone here would be fine, meaning Iruma could try nabbing some manga for his contract … his third contract …
Iruma looked into a broken bathroom mirror that was lying on the side of the road, blown away from the explosion. The black lines definitely got worse, a permanent reminder to his own stupidity. Now it looked like he had black jagged tears constantly falling down his face… “Dang it ... dang it ...” He wish he wasn’t so nice so he could shout something more obscene.
To think he was dumb enough to get comfortable with another overlord. Of course Missi wouldn’t be like Rosie ... and he lived in a world where the cannibal lady was somehow less underhanded than the giant dinosaur woman! This was hell Iruma, you couldn’t trust anyone down there … anyone but your friends. Your friends wouldn’t backstab you … but Satina was nice even if she stole his soul … wasn’t worth it. Just a chain. So many chains. Now he had to do what three people said or else he’d suffer. And even then he’d suffer, because everyone down there liked suffer-
“Oooowww …” He heard a groan from a piece of rubble. “That’s gonna scar.”
“Someone still alive around here?!” He asked loudly. Okay, so if someone was still alive, then he could at least do some good to make up for IMP’s horrible actions. “Shout once if you’re alive!”
“I’m alive-! Ahhhhh!” The sound of rubble came over her. “Damn it dad! Damn you and your running joke-!”
“Don’t worry, I’m coming!”
“Wait, you’re coming?” The voice, which sounded like a girl who didn’t sound too much older than him, asked in confusion. “But I shouted twice.”
“Uh.. yeah, you clearly need help.”
“But that’s not how it goes. If I shout more than once, you're supposed to say ‘well, she shouted twice, guess that means she’s dead, we should go’.”
“... What kind of logic is that?” He asked in confusion, moving rocks around as he tried to follow the voice. “It’s a sign that your lungs are working.”
“That’s usually why people wouldn’t want to help me.”
“… Do I need to call Child services?” Wow, it was weird being on the other side of that question for once.
“No … trust me, sometimes you get used to the lack of help.” Alright, she was definitely coming from under that wall. He grabbed a pole, pushing it under. Now to add a little leverage …
“I know the feeling too well actually..” He said as he took in a deep breath to lift the debri up. “Learning to ... help myself … is the only useful skill…” He gasped as the rubble was lifted. “My parents ... taught me..” Oh this was torture on the ribs. “Climb out now while you have the chance..”
“On it!” The girl, definitely a girl, rushed out as she pulled her leg away, just in time for the rocks to drop. “Wow … Thanks.”
“No problem …” Little problem. He might’ve collapsed a lung with that last push. “Crazy day..?”
“Not really. Yesterday my brother slipped on a banana peel and pushed ten students into the cafeteria’s deep fryer.” The girl huffed. “And today's country fried steak looked a little too human shaped for comfort.”
“I know that feeling as well …” WAY too many cannibals in his life. “I’m Iruma Suzuki … exchange student.” He kept up the lie. Was nice to keep a bit more human.
“... Anyone ever tell you you’re a terrible liar?”
“No, I don’t lie.” Which was true.
“That’s pretty obvious.” The girl shook her head. “You’re more obvious than Abraham Lincoln during his anniversary.” The girl stared off into space.
“Hello?” Iruma waved his hand over her head, getting no response. “... Would it be rude to walk away?”
The girl turned back to him with a smile. “Meg Griffon. Don’t worry, I won’t pry.” She shook his hand.
“Wait, but what was that before?” Iruma shook his head.
“What was what before?” She titled hers in confusion.
“… Not important.” Maybe the girl had spontaneous narcolepsy. Best to not call attention to it. “So are you going to be okay? Do I need to get you to the hospital or something?”
“You … you actually want to help me?” The girl asked with a shocked face. “You’re not going to pretend you don’t hear my cries for help for the sake of a gag?”
“No … I can hear you pretty loud and clear.” He responded in confusion. “And why are you making this sound like a cartoon?” This was real life, where you had to deal with demons owning your souls, murder, and prickily angels.
“Sorry, don’t mean to sound mean, I just.. it’s hard when someone treats you like a human being out of nowhere.” The girl rubbed her arm. “Like the time those mole people made me their queen because I was so ugly.” The girl stared off into space again.
“...” Relatable one moment, confusing the next. Maybe he should just start moving her while that’s going on. “So how long does this last-“
“Anyways, I should be fine.” Meg shook her head, snapping out of her random gaze into space. “I’ve been whiped in the face and kicked by a horse. I’m used to the pain.”
“That’s horrific.” Iruma stated bluntly and honestly. “Maybe I can walk you home at least? I’m new to this town and I don’t think it be safe for you if that chicken demon comes back.
“... Are you single?”
“There’s only one of me last I checked.” He looked around for the imps. “And I am alone at the moment …”
“... Let’s hit up a burger shop.” She smiled.
“Never one to turn down food.” Iruma ginned. Definitely better than his last mission up top. “Seeing that chicken demon did make me hungry.”
“Oh, you mean Ernie? Nah, he lived like two neighborhoods away from my house.” Meg waved off. “He’s a completely normal guy… that’s also a chicken.”
“... Okay.” Somehow the second most normal thing about this town.
========================================================================
Meg smiled. She met the most wonderful, magical, spectacular boy today. Iruma Suzuki. He cared about her, wanted to be around her, and talked with her. The boy of her dreams had finally descended from the heavens. She had to double check to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating, or drugged, or drunk, or in a coma due to the stupid chicken fight gag.
The boy was charming as he was simple in his outlook. And he had a perfect grasp of the american language too, so she could actually prove to people that He wasn’t being held against his will like the last foreign kid she ‘dated’. “Now son, if your being held against your will, don’t be afraid to speak up.” Something that was coming in handy with their neighbor Joe Swanson interrogating them right in her driveway. “Don’t let the fact you don’t understand English prevent you for calling out for help.”
“I understand English just fine.” The boy responded.
“Yes, yes you speak very good American.” The cop slowly nodded. “I can get you a translator if you need it.”
“… Is there water in everyone’s ear or something? I don’t think they understand what me or anyone else is saying.” Iruma asked.
“That’s normal.” Meg sighed. “All cops here think all minorities can’t speak English.”
“What about African Americans?”
“Oh don’t worry; we treat everyone with respect-black man loitering the premises!” The wheelchair bound cop jump onto Mr. Cleveland’s back and started beating him into the ground.
“Wait,‘it’s not Friday yet! I haven’t walked in front of a bank for you to accuse me of robbing yet!” The man shouted.
“… Should-“
“Just walk away slowly.” She instructed as they moved. “Walk away slowly.”
“Yeah, probably for the best.” The boy nodded. “Besides, it’s not like you’re the one holding me against my will. It’s a bunch of red imps who got blown up in the chicken fight.” … Okay, maybe not perfect English. “This town is weird, no offense.”
“None taken. It didn’t use to always be like this.” Meg nodded as they came close to the house. “Before, dad would just buy a horse or accidently commit welfare fraud, but it’s felt like the whole town’s becoming wackier than Arnold Shhawrzonenger running for governor.”
The actor stood on a podium. “I promise this town violence, guns, and hot women! Nah nah nah nah I’m not on steroids!” Multiple cheers rang out.
“He’s more honest and relatable than any governor I know!”
“Are you alright?” The boy asked with a concerned look.
“Just fine. I barely get affected by the concussions these days.”
“That explains a lot…” Iruma muttered with a low voice. “So this is your house?”
“Yeah.. unfortunately.” She grimaced. This was usually the part that made or broke any relationship she had with anybody. “I’m going to open that door, and when I do, I hope you don’t assume that what you’ll see on the other side is a reflection of how I am.”
“… Alright?” He asked with confusion.
“Okay.. I’m opening it in three..” She slowly turned the knob. “Two..”
“Look out!” Iruma tackled her into the grass-
Kaaaappeeeeewew
As several fireworks flew out the door and would’ve blown her face off giving how smelled the mailbox ended up being. “You were right Chris! Fireworks are much more exciting every other day that isn’t the fourth of July!” The sound of her idiot dad laughed in the air
“I know! Let’s try adding Presidents’ Day fireworks!” Her idiot brother clapped.
“Dad, you almost blew us up!” Meg shouted.
“Oh what's that?” The idiot dad looked at her. “Oh great, the dog came back. I thought you ditched her at the park Chris. I’m so disappointed in you.”
“It was your job to drown her in the car before that!” God, this was so annoying.
“I …” Iruma started in confusion.
“WHO RUINED THE MAILBOX!?” Her bitchy mom shouted.
“Oh come on Lois. It’s not any worse than the time I set the lawn on fire.”
The entire neighborhood was on fire, Peter Griffin looking terrified and in a fetal position. “I saw … a wasp …”
“Is this some kind of family condition…?” Iruma muttered as the cutaway ended.
“Whoa, since when did Quahog get a china town?” Chris in his infinite wisdom bluntly spoke.
“Lois, did you sign us up for an exchange program again?” Dad asked. “We already did it with that elephant.”
The elephant sat on top of Chris and Meg as it used its long trunk for peanuts, wearing Chris’s hat. “Hey Chris, did that elephant finally leave?” Peter asked.
“Yep. Totally. Can I get more peanuts dad?” The elephant asked.
“Absolutely, son.”
“Seriously, how normal is this?” The kid asked, before turning to Stewie. “... Did that baby just talk?”
“Oh I see what’s going on here.” Dad muttered.“Aw geez, looks like Megs trying to trick the Chinese exchange students into dating her again.”
“Dad!” Meg shouted angrily.
“Don’t get mad at your father for your shortcomings meg.” Her bitch of a mom shook her head. “You know better than to trick naive and dumb foreign kids into going out with you.”
“...Do they still think I can’t understand them?” Iruma asked.
“Yes, yes, you speak good American.” Chris nodded. “Me Chris Griffen. Me poop sandpaper last night.”
“How do you butcher your own language worse than anyone I’ve met!?”
“Looks like we’re gonna need to take this into our own hands to prevent this trainwreck.” Dad groaned as he took out his megaphone. “Attention Quahog, my ugly daughter Meg Griffin is tricking Chinese kids into dating her. Lock your doors and stick hot rods in your eyes so you don’t get disturbed by how ugly she is.”
“That’s a horrible thing to say!” Iruma shouted.
“Just leave it kid, they’re gonna keep that up for the rest of the day.” She patted his head as she led him upstairs. “Everyone’s got their problems right?”
“....Is this how people look at me..?” Iruma muttered to himself as he sat on the couch. “And I thought my parents locking me in a crate surrounded by piranhas was bad.” Meg and everyone around them waited for the cutaway to set up. “...Why’s everyone staring at me like that?”
“There’s usually a flashback or something to transition a sentence like that.” Brian spoke up.
“...Does everyone act like they’re in a tv show around here?”
“Kid’s got a sturdy fourth wall.” Mom nodded.
“We’re gonna need to bust out the big guns for this one.” Dad said as he took out a red suit. “I’ll go enact the first ten minutes of deadpool while one of you guy’s get Jim Carry’s the mask.” The entire family ran outside. “Oh god! The chicken broke out of the freezer!” The sounds of fists rang out.
“So, that’s my family.” Meg nodded. “Sorry you had to go through that.”
“...Wow…….Just…”
“I know…It’s a lot.” Meg groaned. “But hey, it could be worse right? I could be stranded on an island with Harvey Winstien.”
An island was shown-
“Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop!” Iruma waved his hands. “Sorry to interrupt, but… I’ve LIVED that kind of scenario you just tried to described, and even I’m saying it’s nonsense.”
“Don’t you mean it’s bullshi-”
“I don’t like to curse.” Iruma muttered. “I don’t know if this is comforting or not, but you managed to break the record I had for bad family.” He said. “At least they abused me for financial gain and free labor.”
“Ah, I get you.” She nodded. “Mine abuses me because they’re a psychotic mess that would go on homicide sprees and either kill each other, or the world as a whole without the consequences.” Meg groaned.
“That’s horrible.”
“I know, but, that’s just my role, you know?” Meg smiled. “As long as I’m here acting like everyone’s lighting rod for all their vile and hate and horrible behavior, then I can keep the family together.”
“....” Iruma took in a deep breath as he looked around. “...Okay, I’m going to say this once, and I hope you don’t get offended, because I think you're a nice person and I really want to help you out here, so, just listen to what I have to say.”
“Alright Iruma.” She smiled.
“That’s the stupidest most moronic statement and self reflective sentence I have EVER heard anyone say about themselves.” Well, that sent a spike into her heart. “Being a lighting rod for hate… no… no, no no no! People SHOULDN’T be lighting rods for ANYONE’S hate! You’re saying to be a punching bag to your abuser, and it’s okay as long as your abuser feels good about themselves?! Is THAT what you’re trying to tell me here?!”
“Well yeah.” She nodded. “What else am I supposed to do? The last time I got a backbone and stood up to them, they instantly went into killing each other with all the hate they usually channel towards me because they didn’t have an outlet. I can’t just let them do that…”
“Yes you can.” Iruma said.
“..Huh?”
“I’ve seen alot of people lately stuck in the situation you and I are in.” Iruma looked at her with those wide and sympathetic eyes. “Tons of people know what it’s like to be under the control of someone else, to be stuck in a place where you have no choice BUT to take the brunt of someone’s hate, and vile, and sadism.” He lifted up his shirt and..
“Oh god…” So many scars … so many misshapen bones.
“Yeah … I know what it’s like to be under that … and I know what it means to not expect life to get better.” Iruma sighed. “But… But I think you’re different… I think you can get out before it’s too late.”
“... You really think so?” She asked, waiting for the answer that would change everything.
“Ask me this… do you love your family?” Iruma asked, and she was about to answer. “And REALLY think about how you answer it. Do you … with all your heart and soul, care for them.”
“... No.” She admitted.
“And do they, with all their heart and soul, care about you, and would do anything and everything in the world to help you?”
“... No.”
“Then why stick around?”
“... You’re right.” She smiled.
“Yeah.”
“I live my own life.”
“Exactly!”
“I have to leave them!” Meg shouted.
“You go!”
“And we can leave them together!”
“Yeah!”
“As husband and wife!”
“Ye-Wait what?”
“You’re the only boy who’s been this genuine with me, Iruma.” She pinned him to the couch. “I want you and no one else.”
“...Ah…” Iruma smiled with a shaky grin. “That… sound…. Nice…. But…. I’m only four-”
“I’m begging you, kiss me like a french girl as we have the raunchiest sex in the world!”
“Ah…O..” This was happening… this was really happening, She had finally met her soulmate, she was going to live a fairy tale happily ever after-
KABOOOOMMM
========================================================================
Blitz groaned as he came to. “Okay … pain … so much pain …” He grumbled. “Maybe a demon did come to earth if we’re already that f*cked up.” What the hell was a giant f*cking chicking doing fighting some fat f*ck if it wasn’t being deep friend. “Come in, Fam, come in..” He pressed the com link, only to get static in return. “Damn it, explosion knocked them offline. Damn you cheap Voxtech.” Now he felt even LESS guilty about screwing over the blue ball blue scren demon.
Cracking his back, he looked over the massive destruction that took place, flames, rubble, dead bodies … was starting to look like home. “Mox! Mil! If you can hear me, give a weak moan!” He shouted out, walking to the sound of screams. Was probably the best place to look.
“Maaaaaaaaaaafgggggjjjjj.” The bitch moaning of Moxxie was heard from underneath a car.
“Mox, I can always count on you to moan like a little bitch when I need to!” Blitz grinned as he pulled the shorter imp out from underneath and repeatedly slapped him. “No time to nap, limp dick, I need you hard and incharge right now, which I know isn’t easy without your better half, so I’m here to pick up her slack!”
“Mia mia, moa…Millie… Millie, Milile!?” Moxie repeatedly looked around. “Where’s Millie!?”
“No clue, the fight of that fatso and chicken f*cker knocked everyone away.” He grumbled. “And it’s not like we’ll have eyes on-”
A car drove by … with the target in the driver’s seat … and a tied up, and unconscious, Millie in the back. “Gonna have weird possum sex tonight, giggity giggity!” The man shouted as he drove.
Mox instantly pulled out a glock, firing off multiple bullets at the wheels, but missed. “f*ck, concussion’s messing up my aim!” He growled. “GET THE f*ck BACK HERE YOU PATHETIC PEDOPHILE f*ckTARD! I’LL TEAR YOUR ASS OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR MOUTH!”
“Love the steamy talk, follow the bastard before anything else happens!” Blitz carried the smaller imp. “No one f*cks with the M’s except me, and I’ll actually get consent for it!”
KABOOM
An explosion flew in the air … as the fatso and chicken fell into their path, multiple animals rampaging. “Motherf*cker! These two are just the worst!” Blitz screamed. “Alright Mox, can I count on you to deal with the target?” He asked. “I got a score to settle.”
“Trust me sir…I’M GOING TO DRAG THIS BITCH TO HELL PERSONALLY PIECE BY PIECE!!” Moxxie let out a roar of intense hellish anger and fury as he ran like a hell horse unchanged.
“Boy’s doin this company proud.” He whipped away a tear, before turning to the chaos. “Alright, first order of business, majestic steed!” Blitz jumped onto a horse. “Second order of business!” He fired some pistol rounds at the two f*ckers. “DIE NUT MUNCHERS, DIE!”
“What-hey, hey, whoa, whoa, what the f*ck are you doing!?” The fat*ss shouted as he and the chicken were in the middle of strangling each other. “This is a private fight!”
“Do I look like someone who gives a flying f*ck about your foreplay?” Blitz glared.
“Clearly not.” The chicken rolled his eyes, reaching into his feathers and pulling the pin out of-was that a grenade? … sh*t!
BOOM
Bliz jumped to safety … but the horse … “f*ckER!” He ran forward, firing off bullet after bullet at the two bastards. “Before I was just pissed that you got in the way of my job … but now you made it personal!”
“Seriously man, you’re throwing off the whole groove here.” The fat*ss rolled his eyes. “This is a thing we do every few months.”
“Then why the f*ck aren’t you dying!?”
“Plot armor. Bullets don’t do jack sh*t.” The chicken. “It’s like how the roadrunner always survives the coyote.
The scene shows the coyote running towards the roadrunner, only to run into the middle of the air. “No.” The coyote put his foot down.
“Ah… what?” The roadrunner asked. “You’re supposed to fall now.”
“It’s always the same old schtick. You made it clear I can’t catch you, and it always ends up the same, with me in pain.”
“Well yeah, that’s our gimmick.”
“No, that’s a toxic relationship.” The coyote shook his head. “I quit. I just, I quit.”
“What, you can’t just quit! You’re under contract!”
“Watch me!” The coyote walked through the air, putting on a hat and trenchcoat.
A montage played, of the now sad and lonely roadrunner, with the music ‘what we had’ by Sody playing …
“Well it’s a good thing I studied toon physics in clown school.” Blitz smiled, holding up a marker. The two of them blinked, looking down at the ground with a giant black X. “Drew that during the cutaway.”
“Hey, you’re supposed to watch those and laugh!”
“Sorry, I block out all bad jokes.” Blitz grinned.
The fatso ducked out of the way, while the chicken fell victim to an anvil. “So … it’s a gag fight you want.” He pulled out a frying pan and a rubber chicken.
“Oh trust me bozo, that’s not a fight you want to pick.” Blitz pulled out a stick of TNT and a pie. “Sadly, you already have!”
“Trust me, I have more toonforce behind me that bugs bunny on meth!”
The scene opened-
KABBOOM
Only for bug’s bunny to be blown into pieces, as Peter and Blitz to fight each other with fists and objects. “Man … this meth is good.” The bodiless head of Bug Bunny nodded.
“Are cutaways the only jokes you have?!” Blitz growled as he strangled the man with his own tail.
“No! We have running gags too!” The fatso shouted out. “Like the Peterdactyls! Come, my children!”
A bunch of big eyed dino birds came flying from the sky. “Heheheeheheeheeheheheeheeheehe!” They laughed with an annoying chuckle.
“You f*cked a dinosuar ….. actually kind of impressed.” Blitz grinned as he took out the flamethrower. “NOW SUCK ON HELLFIRE BITCHES! HAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAAHAHA!”
“AAAAAHHHHH!!!” They screamed as they died.
“NOOO! I THREW UP INTO THEIR MOUTHS!” The man screamed, before growling as he decked the imp in the face. “Peter smash sunburnt goat man!”
“Blitz gonna shoot unoriginal hack in the eye!” The imp shouted as he repeated shot the man in the face, forcing them on a moving truck where they repeatedly punched and kicked each other. “I usually have more respect for a motherf*cker that does whatever the sh*t he wants without consequences, but you just suck the cool factor out of all it! You’re more empty than my balls after a bag sessh at a club!”
“Ew, what kind of set up is that-” Blitz shoved his flintlock into the man’s mouth.
“The kind that ends with you sucking my lead!”
BANG BANG BANG BANG
He watched as the man dropped to the ground. “... Let’s see … your plot armor … survive that-” The eye twitched “f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck! GHOST! I DON’T f*ck WITH GHOSTS!” HE shouted, torching the corpse with fire and bullets. “Ah… now that should be better….. Where the hell am I heading anyways-
BOOM
Blitz fell out of the truck as it hit some f*cker’s house, ignighting it. “Huh, guess that takes care of that.” Blitz looked around. “I wonder where the kid ended up-”
“Oh Blitz, you’re here!” Iruma ran out of the flames and hugged him. “You have NO idea how happy I am for you to set me on fire!”
“... Weird time to compliment me, but you’re welcome.” He patted the kid on the back. “Come on, we gotta find M and M, Mox is either saving his wife in a badass manner, or f*cking up the mission.”
“Wait, Millie’s in trouble?”
“Yeah, but it’s nothing Mox can’t do himself.” Blitz waved off as someone else from the burning house emerged.
“Oh Iruma, where are you, my little love puppy.” Some human teenager called out in a ditzy sweet voice.
“...Get us out of here get us out of here GET US OUT OF HERE!” Iruma shook Blitz madly.
“Yeah I’ve heard that voice before, I can read a red flag!” He grabbed the boy and tossed him into the car, pulling out his hacker keys as he forced the vehicle to start, driving away. “Yikes… how much of a nightmare was that girl if she actually got passed that dense dome of yours?”
“I… I don’t want to talk about it.” Iruma shivered. “It.. It was going fine…. Then she begged me… to… to make babies and… and…”
Blitz rubbed the kid’s head. “Calm down kid, the worst part’s over.” He reassured Iruma. “Why don’t we get some ice cream for the victory cake later? That sound good?”
“… That sounds good. Thank you.”
“Eh, don’t worry about it. I make sure my employees are happy when they do their jobs.” Even when you had to torture them juuust enough to get the radio demon off their back. He was a nice enough brat, not like he was corrupting his Loonie Toonie.
========================================================================
Quagmire grinned as he pulled the creature out of his car. “Who knew possums could have such nice tit*?” He asked as he dragged them inside. He was in an extra kinky mode today. Janice at the highschool was a good lay, but she couldn’t keep up with someone as experienced as he was. Some may say Quagmire lived a gross and degrading life … but it was a happy one.
And one he got to live free of any consequences! Joe would never arrest him, the neighbors would ever tell him off, baring that one time with Meg, but he supposed sleeping with his best friend’s daughter WAS pushing it a little… their wives on the other hand were free game for if/when the opportunity came. It was absolutely perfect!
“Uggh…” The large red possum thing moaned. Strange to find something like this outside a school, but Peter fought a giant chicken every few months. Quagmire did NOT question good fortune when it came up. “Wha …”
“Don’t worry babe, tonight you’re on a ride to pleasure town, giggity.” He smirked, pulling out the lube.
“Ugh… Mox… mox where are you…”
“Don’t know anything about a mox, but your box is definitely gonna be having a party.. Gigity gigity!” He cackled. This was the best way to score a date. Unconscious and unresponsive. Animal parts made it complicated, but Quagmire was a persistent man. He could squeeze his penis into just about anything he could get his hands on.
Slam
The door was kicked open … as a red possum guy stood there, multiple bags in hand. “Glen Quagmire.” He spoke with raw, tranquil hatred.
“… I’d love to have a conversation about commitment.” At his comment, the walls grew arms and tried to throw out the creature.
The little imp stared blankly at the robotic appendages, taking out a sniper rifle and blasted the metal limbs off one by one. “Glen Quagmire.”
“That’s me… hehehehe…” He slowly began backing away. “Look, going by how you’re acting.. I’m guessing you two are related… sister… daughter…”
“Married.”
“Ah… that makes more sense.” He cackled. “So…. would it be believable to say that she came onto me first?”
BANG
And he got shot in the leg. “AHH! MY leg!”
BANG
“Ah! My other leg!”
BANG BANG
“WOULD YOU STOP SHOOTING MY LIMBS!?!?!?!!?!”
“You…. you…you tried to rape my wife.”
“Well, yeah, just a thing I do.” He chuckled nervously. “Unconscious babe, but hey, you can take her back. No harm, no fowl.”
The possum man simply stared at him, reaching into the bags as he pulled out … multiple things. A mirror, a scapal, a record player, a bowl, multiple red bags, a car battery, and multiple other things that caused him panic. And the guy just silently worked. “When we were hired to kill you, I feared I would be killing a father.” He stated.
“You would be!” He shouted as he tried to scoot away, only to bleed more. “I got a hundred or so kids! Young, old; black, white, Mexican..”
“So many victims, so little care …” He continued. “Just a man looking for his next fix.” The guy pulled out straps, moving over to Glen. “I’m a demon from hell… and let me tell you; nobody respects people like you. The deprived, the degenerate, you’ll end up washed in the gutters, probably sucking off whatever demon that comes your way just for a quick buck.”
“Look, I’ll get you money, a hooker, whatever, just don’t kill me!” He shouted. “I’m too horney to die!!”
“Oh I won’t kill you.. that honor goes to the angel in devil’s skin that you tried to violate.” The possum guy stated, pulling out a disc.
The door was kicked down again. “Mox, we came as … oh, you got this covered?” The tall red possum questioned.
“You know, the human adult roughly has ten pints of blood in them, losing consciousness after about a fifth of their blood volume has fled their body …” The red imp pulled out a bag. “And look at this, five packs of O negative blood, the universal donors. I guess that means someone can lose a LOT of blood.”
“Hey, help me out!” He called out to the tall possum guy. “This guys insane! I just wanted to f*ck a possum, is that so wrong!?”
“Yeah …” He turned to the girl. “I’m just gonna untie-“
“No.” The girl spoke, a horny look in her eye. “… Leave the ropes on.”
The male possum put on a disc, playing some kind of opera music. “For our first event tonight. I will simply use this needle, thread, a clean knife, tape, and a mirror.” He stated, moving objects closer to Glen.
“Why.. why a mirror..” Why.. why couldn’t they end this quickly!?
“…” The tape was placed on his eyelids. “So I can force you to watch your emasculation.”
“No… No!” Glen struggled, though it was all in vain. “You can’t! My dad gave me this penis!”
“And now … we’ll leave it for him to pick up.” And the knife went down.
“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!”
========================================================================
Millie purred with delight. “Mox, never let it be said you can’t get a girl’s motor’s runnin.” Millie chewed on her honey’s ear. She knew her husband had the fire inside of him. It just took the right circ*mstances to bring it out.
“Tell me about it. Mox, why didn’t you tell me your balls dropped so hard?” Blitz cackled as he slapped Moxxie on the back.
“Because most of the people we go after live happy innocent lives?” Mox questioned.
“Right, you’re part puss*.” Blitz rolled his eyes.
“Blitz, don’t be like that.” Millie glared. “He both found the target and completed the mission with no sweat spared.”
“True that, true that.” The man nodded. “Now that our job’s done and the whole town is dead, how about we celebrate?”
“I’m down for that.” Millie grimes looming around. “Where’s the little tot? I hoped he didn’t get too caught up in the mayham.”
“He’s fine.” Blitz waved off as he pointed to the kid with about a hundred or so tubs of ice cream right behind him. “Got a little frazzled, so I took him on an ice cream bender.”
“That’s… actually very kind and respectful of you Blitz.” Moxxie nodded.
“I know, I’m the best boss in the business.” The man smirked. “I’m gonna go give Loonie a call for the ride back, you all catch up now.”
“Will do boss man.” Mille waved off as she sat down next to her her tot. “Heya Iruma.”
“Millie, you’re alright!” Iruma grinned. “I know Blitz said Moxxie had it handled but.. well, I still worry.”
“Oh you never have to worry about me tot, I’m the toughest bitch around the ring of wraith, ain’t nothing going to keep me down forever.” Millie grinned as she scooted close. “So, I hope you had a productive day.”
“Yeah.. I did.. at least.. I thought I did.” Iruma chuckled weakly. “I met somone.. someone that I felt like was in the safe position as me, if not worse. I wanted to help her. She had the chance to escape where I didn’t.. she wasn’t stuck like me.”
“That’s nice.” She ruffled his head. “I knew you still had that helpful little heart in there. Bein nice to others and makin friends.”
“Yeah … then she tried to.. make Babies with me..”
Snap
The ground broke below them as she punched the pavements. “… Where’s this bitch and how many times can I snap her neck?”
“It wasn’t her fault.. she begged me and.. she doesn't know about the triggers, and she’s been hurt a lot..”
“That’s no excuse, Iruma!” Millie held the boy by the shoulders. “If she was going to hurt you, then she’s had no excuse!”
“But..”
“If this bitch had to beg you to sleep with her, odds are she ain’t that good a person.” Millie continued, rubbing his face. “Even if she suffered like you did, you still would never put anyone in that position, right?”
“No …”
“Then you’re a better person than her. Stop putting the blame on yourself. She’s the evil bitch who needs to suffer.” Millie hugged her tot. “I know your used to taking on all this pain alone, but you have people that will stand up for you in times like this. I won’t let you bear this alone.”
“… Thanks Millie.” Iruma sighed with a small smile as he returned the hug. “I just … shouldn’t have trusted her. Trusting people … never ends well.”
Millie would have spoken up about that, if her train of thought wasn’t interrupted. “Iruma, there you are!” The voice of a girl dressed in pink and glasses spoke up. “I got everything packed for our honeymoon!”
She looked back at her tot, and so his uncomfortable flinching. “…. This her?” Millie asked.
“Yep …”
She pulled out a knife. “Why don’t you go find Blitz and head back to the office.. there’s some last minute business I need to attend to.”
“Understood.” The child sat up, and began running.
“Iruma, wait up!” The girl was stopped as she tripped her by the tail. “Hey! I’m trying to catch up to my soulmate here!”
“Oh pardon me… I’m just a mother looking out for her kid.” Millie smiled as she raised her knife. “And that includes killing every single bitch that tried to take advantage of him!!”
Shink
